11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Brilliant!