If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE