[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.