[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Many hands make light work
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.