I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
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Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
They did not miss in the small print
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!