Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
The prophecy is fulfilled
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck