her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.