90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
NOT all policemen are strippers.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
🤣😈🤣