“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one