Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged