My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.