[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You Might Also Like
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My neck my back my allergy attack
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.