[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
#dalle2
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
he was correct
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.