Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
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Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
sry
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me: