What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes