My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The happy life.. 😊