Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Yup.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.