Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her