West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
You Might Also Like
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.