This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
why would tinder want me to say this
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I wanna be friends with this person
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting