The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
when you don’t want to be too vague
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
when someone rings the doorbell
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.