Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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We need more people like this.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake