the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
You Might Also Like
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby