Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me