Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Yup.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg