[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉