Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?