dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]