Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
#math
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m about to risk it all
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.