Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
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Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.