I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.