Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Brilliant!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like