Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.