People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“How’s your day going?”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.