Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.