My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.