What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season