So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
You Might Also Like
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.