Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.