You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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He’s dead
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.