The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…