Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions