Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you