God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison