fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
You Might Also Like
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
For those that worship cheese..
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.