[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???