That’s classic.
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.