Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Wait for it
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.