1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
that colleague who touches your screen
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.