*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
He took my last fry, your honor
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Previously On Persistence 😎
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND